Several months ago I was chatting with a friend whose daughter had stayed home from school the day before. I asked, “Was she sick?”
“No, she just needed a mental health day,” was the reply.
Apparently, her daughter had been pushing herself too hard, not getting enough sleep and it all came to a head one night when she burst into tears at the slightest provocation. Thus warranting a “mental health day” as per mom’s orders.
Which basically meant she got to sleep in, go to brunch with mom, catch up on homework, take a nap, have a Diet Coke or two – whatever pampering was necessary to declare her good as new and send her back to school the next day.
Earlier in the school year, another friend was asking about each of my daughters. After mentioning that one of them was struggling with depression, she suggested that I pull her out of school every couple of weeks for a “mental health outing” of her choice.
After all, when her daughter was in junior high/high school, that’s what she did to mitigate the usual teenage drama. They’d spend one or two hours together shopping, getting pedicures or grabbing a bite to eat, all in an effort to get away from it all.
And all was fixed. Wham. Bam.
So tell me then. What do you do when your daughter never wants to get out of bed? When everyday life is too much to handle? When the frequency of meltdowns would warrant enough “mental health days” to make her a school dropout within a few weeks?
What to do when your best attempts to encourage your child to develop healthy habits are seen as pushy? How do you respond when despite facilitating numerous doctor and therapy appointments your kid’s attempts to implement the strategies learned there are minimal at best?
Where is the line between encouraging and enabling? Between supporting and coddling? At what point do you decide to let your child self-destruct? It’s exhausting trying to motivate another person to fulfill his/her obligations. Especially when she resents you for it anyway.
This is what depression looks like. It can’t be resolved by taking a mental health day, nor will a shopping spree or pedicure manage to make a sizable dent.
Depression clouds even the brightest of minds to believe that they are worthless. It convinces even the most talented individuals to lose hope in the future, to dwell on the mistakes of the past, to make mountains out of molehills.
And no amount of parental talk therapy can convince them otherwise.
They simply can’t see the forest for the trees. As a parent, it is heartbreaking to see and frustrating to deal with. So exasperating that one out of ten times, I lose patience with her, negating every step in the right direction we’ve made up to that point.
To be fair, my depressed daughter is incredibly high-functioning under the circumstances. She keeps plugging away, even though many days feel like an emotional marathon to her.
She is grounded in a belief that heavenly parents have a plan for her. That is huge.
She knows in her head that the world isn’t a horrible place altogether, despite the pit in her stomach that makes it seem so.
She pushes through the hard days, (albeit scowling) because she knows that to do otherwise would be giving in.
She navigates the inevitable disappointments of teenage life with a distorted view attributable to her brain chemistry. But she still keeps at it.
Some parents worry about their kids getting into an elite college(some will even pay good money to make sure they do).
Other parents spend insane amounts of time supporting their kids as athletes, or instrumentalists, or actors, all in the hopes that they achieve their highest potential.
This parent just wants her kid to be happy. She has more talent in her little finger than most people acquire after a lifetime of effort. If only her head would let her believe it.
PSA: If you are the parent of a depressed teenager, know you are not alone. Teenage depression is on the rise. We’re still figuring it out in our home, obviously, but here are a few places to start, if you’re wondering what has worked for us.
- Resist the urge to blame yourself and your parenting. Let’s be honest, we all have sucky parenting moments. Those parenting fails cannot be considered in a vacuum. If all parents zeroed in on only our worst moments as the most influential, every kid in the world would have cause for depression. Instead, move forward in the knowledge that this child was born into your family, and you have unique gifts to help them through their struggles.
- Listen. Need I say more? Depressed kids don’t need to hear how faulty their thinking is. At least not at first. Some of the things they say may shock you. Listen first. Then wait until the right moment to give advice.
- Work with your doctor to find the right course of treatment. Do not rule out certain forms of treatment (like medication) because of your own ideology.
- Therapy helps. Kids need to talk. They need to know they’ve got someone in their corner (besides their parents). It doesn’t hurt when that person has a fancy degree behind their name that says “I am qualified to treat this ailment.” Even if a therapist simply repeats what you as a parent have said over and over again, I guarantee it will be like your child is hearing it for the first time. Don’t be offended by that. Just be grateful they heard it.
- Don’t treat mental health like an ugly secret. If you tiptoe around the issue, it perpetuates the stigma. Having said that, it is important to be sensitive to your child’s need for privacy regarding the issue. It is her/his decision whether or not to be open about it. In fact, I invited my daughter to read this post and approve it before publishing. She agrees that openness helps others know they are not alone. And that is priceless for a person struggling with depression.
