stay-at-home mom

Stay-at-home moms – a supporting role, not an enabler.

Today one of my daughters texted me from school to let me know that she’d left her piano music at home.  Since she drives straight to her lesson after school, this presented a problem.  

She had done the exact same thing two weeks ago.  Lucky for her, I had some errands to run in the vicinity so I grabbed her music and dropped it off on her piano teacher’s doorstep.

Because I had done that, my daughter inevitably believed that surely I could do the same this time.  And, to be honest, I probably could have without too much sacrifice.  

However, I declined for two reasons:

  1.  She needed to pay some of the price of having forgotten her music for the second time in a month.  If I’d swooped in and saved the day (again), she wouldn’t feel the inconvenience of having forgotten and would probably just forget again.
  2. I want her to understand that stay-at-home parents are people too and that one cannot assume that I am available at her beck and call.

That last one is tricky.  I mean, after all, choosing to stay home to raise my children means that I AM mostly available to support them in any manner of things – from carpooling to volunteering in their schools, to attending sporting events and concerts, to welcoming them home from school, to helping them with homework, and so on.

But even though, for the most part, I CAN help her, I have to discern when helping is actually enabling.

Sometimes it takes pretending I have a full-time job away from home to back away a bit and let my kids suffer.  And what really stinks about that is that they KNOW I could do it but I am choosing not to.  Which inevitably makes me out to be a mean mom.

So be it.  I’ve been at this parenting gig long enough that I’m practically made of steel.  Today I told my beloved child that I would not be in the neighborhood to drop off her piano music.  But I would be making a run to the gas station that was halfway between her school and home.  She could meet me there during her lunch hour to collect the goods.

I’m sure it was a bummer to miss out on the one time during school that she actually gets to hang out with friends.  But she came.  And is hopefully better for it.

Ten thousand steps a day.

A few months ago, Tim replaced his fitness tracker because it wasn’t compatible with the app that his work uses to give him “credit” for healthy living. My man wanted his 50 bucks a quarter for getting his steps in, for heavens sake.

I gladly accepted the cast-off fitness tracker as a gift.

Admittedly, I was kind of obsessed with checking how many steps I was racking up throughout the day (and how).

I became frustrated when pushing my son on the swing for fifteen agonizing minutes yielded like 20 steps.

Or when I exercised one morning (it was arm day) and yielded less than 500 for a half hour sweat sesh. What a rip-off.

Then again, what a pleasant surprise to discover that folding three loads of laundry converted to almost a thousand steps.

Clearly, the “steps” feature of my fitness tracker is somewhat lacking in accuracy.

Still, the very first day I wore it, I discovered that I got over 10,000 steps. On a pretty average day. And the day after that, and the day after that too.

It turns out that this stay-at-home Mom gig is rather strenuous. Not that I’m surprised.

What that also means, is that the weight gain I’ve experienced over the last year and a half (I blame the remodel) has little to do with inactivity. Crap.

What does a girl over forty have to do to maintain her figure?

On the days I exercise (only like two a week, unfortunately) I get over 15000 steps…and no weight loss.

I can’t say that the word “skinny” has ever been used to describe me. And I’ve never been willing to take drastic measures just to look good in a swimsuit. It’s just not where I place my value.

But honestly, maybe I should. Cause 10,000 plus steps just ain’t gonna save me from a heart attack unless I learn to put down the fork. Today.

Top ways to save money on one income.

Sacrificing one income to stay at home with your children can be as affordable as working (and, in my opinion, much more satisfying). Those first few years before they enter school play a vital role in their development. As a parent, being at home with them, particularly in those early years can be not only emotionally-rewarding, but financially sound.

If you want to stay at home with your children and are unsure that you can make it work within a budget, this post is for you.

I’ve been at home with my kids since the day my oldest was born over 16 years ago. Our family has swelled to seven (five kids) since then and I have not earned a single dime in that time.

In our case, the phrase “a penny saved is a penny earned” plays the greatest role in making having a stay-at-home parent affordable. Besides saving thousands of dollars in child care costs, justifying a stay-at-home parent for financial reasons can be accomplished in many ways.

Here are my top tips for saving money as a stay-at-home parent.

1. Don’t pay someone else to do something you can do yourself.

I have taught nine years of preschool to my children. (Amount saved: $1000/year)

Each and every haircut my husband gets is at my hands. My kids get one professional cut per year (if they’re lucky).

Amount saved: $500/year, give or take.

I have taught approximately four years of piano to each of my kids. Had I enlisted an outside teacher, it would have cost $250/month on the low end for my four daughters and $500/month on the high end.

Amount saved: $3-6000/year.

My husband and I perform most minor fixes/maintenance on our home and landscaping.

I never knew how much home repairs/updates cost when you pay someone else to do them until we did a major remodel on our home last year. We thought maybe we’d just wrap up the final touches ourselves but after 7 months of living in chaos, we were ready to be done. So we hired out the painting. It was several thousand dollars. We could have done it for under $500 (the cost of materials).

Having done many repairs over the years, we’ve saved thousands of dollars.

Consider your skills, your time, and your budget and figure out which tasks you can perform that others might pay someone else to do. If you lack confidence, YouTube is always your friend.

2. Don’t feel like you have to fork out cash to look put-together for a bunch of littles.

The global beauty industry is worth almost $600 billion. That’s just cosmetics. To make us look prettier. Think about that for a second.

I know moms who claim that they are better moms when they put on their “face”. I think that’s fine for them but I’m just not buying it.

My kids don’t care how I look and neither should I. I figure I can learn to love myself without spending my kids’ college funds on my appearance. Harsh? Yeah maybe. I’m not opposed to makeup, just overspending on makeup.

As for clothes, since there’s no set dress code when you work from home, feel free to dress the part. A few great outfits never hurt anyone, but you can do it on the cheap. Same goes for the kids. Graciously accept hand-me-downs, shop at thrift stores, and wait to buy until end-of-season clearance rolls around to keep costs low.

3. Save on food by making most everything at home. Better yet, from scratch.

Talk to anyone who’s ever pulled themselves out of debt in a hurry. The first thing they cut: eating out. Because it’s totally unnecessary. And it costs an arm and a leg.

Cooking from scratch just makes sense for stay-at-home parents. It’s cheaper, it’s healthier, and it is delicious. We eat out pretty much only for birthdays and on vacation and I estimate it saves us $500/month for our family of seven. At least.

If you’re feeling really ambitious, baking your own bread, rolls, and making your own snacks (or refraining from buying them in the first place) will ease your grocery bill, as well.

Take, for example, this glorious garlic naan I made with my own two hands. Know how much this would cost at the grocery store? I don’t. Because I’ve never bought it. Besides, does the store-bought naan look this good?

Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Loving leftovers makes a difference too.

4. Cars are depreciating assets. Don’t waste money buying the fastest and most furious.

A car is simply a mechanism to get from point A to point B. Yes, a reliable car is a must. A fancy one is not.

My husband and I pay cash for used cars, repair them as needed, and run them into the ground. We capitalize on all those people who buy new cars that depreciate the moment they drive off the lot.

Think of it this way. If you buy a brand-new, fully-loaded Chevy Suburban, you’ll pay about $60,000, easy. We bought ours (9 years old) for about $7500 six years ago. We’ve put about $5000-7000 into it since then (new tires, mechanical fixes, oil changes, etc.). Which means we’ve spent about $2500 per year to drive it.

We’d have to drive the hypothetical brand-new Suburban at least 24 years (or more, because of inevitable maintenance and repairs) to match the under $2500/year cost. Plus, at $60,000, there’s a good chance we’d have to finance it. Add in interest, and it looks like we’ve saved ourselves a healthy chunk of cash.

On a larger scale: don’t finance anything but your house. Seriously. Paying interest is like burning money. Avoid it at all costs.

5. Travel on a budget.

My husband eats lunch occasionally with a co-worker who was a DINK (Dual Income No Kids) for at least 15 years before diving in and having kids. He and his wife were both engineers so, while not over-the-top wealthy, this gave them time to save a pretty great nest egg before throwing it all away on their children. 😉

I don’t recommend this course, for a number of reasons, but it does seem to ensure financial stability if one actually saves his/her earnings before starting a family. But that’s beside the point.

What I really want to say is, this co-worker relayed in conversation a recent vacation their family took. It cost them five figures. For their family of four. I don’t know that it was overly extravagant, but it indicates just how much travel can bust your budget without even trying.

I could write a whole post about how to save money on travel. My top three money-savers are this: Don’t fly, drive instead. Stay with family/friends or camp. Limit eating out. Like, a lot.

My kids know that lunch on road trips pretty much means mom whipping up sandwiches and passing them back from the passenger seat. They don’t even complain about the monotony anymore. It’s just what we do. And it saves us a ton of cash. PB&J for the win.

Though we’ve not yet left the continental U.S., our family has enjoyed at least one trip each year. We set a budget and we stick to it.

Our most recent trip cost us under $1500 for 10 days. The most expensive portion of the trip was the one day we spent at Universal Studios. But we could afford it because there were days where we spent next to nothing. It’s all about balance. Well, that and sharing a single butterbeer because buying one for each of us at 8 bucks a pop is a rip-off.

It’s difficult to quantify the exact amount we’ve saved over the years. But I rest assured that my efforts to save have yielded close to what I may have earned in the time I’ve stayed home to raise my kids.

Maybe. Maybe not.

Either way, staying at home with my kids was never about money. Sacrificing one income requires discipline, but is well worth it. And anyone can do it. Just remember: a penny saved is a penny earned.

Never underestimate the value of a stay-at-home parent.

Occasionally I get caught in the comments sections of certain online articles.  I’m consistently amazed by the harshness with which some people approach their comments.  It’s as if they don’t realize there are people behind those online profiles.

If our world were to be judged by the comments sections of online articles, I fear the lack of empathy displayed there would indicate a world in rapid decline.

I read a string of comments the other day from a woman with a clear disdain for stay-at-home moms.  She queried, “Being a stay-at-home mom is NOT a job.  Why is this even a debate?”  She brazenly stated that she “does everything a stay-at-home mom does, plus work a full-time job.”  She went on and on, despite others’ protests, by bitterly labeling stay-at-home moms as “free-loading” “whiners”.  She ought to have been embarrassed.

Before I launch into my retort, please understand that I am not suggesting that stay-at-home moms are more valuable than working moms.  I acknowledge the many reasons why a mother decides that traditional employment best meets her needs and that of her family.  I admire all that working mothers accomplish and the value they add to society.  I don’t think anyone really questions that.  At least not the way many question a stay-at-home mom’s value to society.

Which is why I take issue with this lady’s comments.

First, “Being a stay-at-home mom is NOT a job.”  Please.  People get paid for pretty much every single thing a stay-at-home mom does.  Working parents pay people to do what stay-at-home moms do on a daily basis.  Child care, cooking and housecleaning are merely the tip of the iceberg.  In order to maintain a household, some things simply cannot be left undone.

In dual income homes, both parents (presumably) share those responsibilities fairly evenly.  In a single-income household, one parent performs the lion’s share of those duties…until the bread-winning spouse gets home.   Ideally.  In any case, if the stay-at-home parent is doing something you would have to pay someone else to do if there were no stay-at-home parent, then I think it’s fair to call it a “job”.  Pay or no pay.

Second, “I do everything that a stay-at-home mom does plus work a full-time job”.

Wrong.

There are only 24 hours in a day, lady.  Unless a stay-at-home parent is sitting around eating bonbons all day (and I do acknowledge that those types may exist, though I don’t know any personally), you can bet that for the 9 plus hours a working parent is on the clock, stay-at-home parents are anxiously engaged.

Shall I mention a few of the activities in which they’re engaged?  Yes, let’s.

They’re serving on the parent-teacher associations at your kids’ schools.  They’re teaching/tutoring any number of subjects in the classroom.  They’re chairing fundraisers, running carpools, and coaching your kids’ teams.  They’re the (piano) accompanist for your kids’ choir program.  They’re chaperoning field trips.  They’re pinch-hitting (taking care of your kids) when you’ve got a big meeting at work.  They’re volunteering in the community.  They’re running homeschool co-ops. They’re serving as den mothers and girl scout leaders.  They’re coaching sports teams.  They’re opening their homes to kids whose parents arrive home long after the school bells have rung.  They’re bandaging up scraped knees when someone’s kid gets into a bike wreck on the way home from school.

The list goes on and on.

Working parents do those things, too, you say?  Yes.  Yes, many of them do.  But, trust me when I say that the list of stay-at-home parents doing these things on a consistent basis far eclipses that of working parents.  There simply isn’t enough time in the day to work a full-time job AND do all of the above.  Stay-at-home parents don’t get paid a dime for the laundry list of service they render (that benefit SO many more children than just their own).  So, it would be nice if those who work outside the home wouldn’t discount their contributions.  It’s safe to assume that stay-at-home parents are compensating for much of what working parents simply cannot do because they have a paid profession to attend to.

Third, stay-at-home parents are “free-loaders” and “whiners”.

Oh boy.  At the risk of sounding snarky, if you want to talk about free-loaders, see above for all the things stay-at-home parents do while other parents are busy making money.  I am abundantly grateful that my husband works his tail off to provide for our family so that I can spend my days with our kids.  So grateful that I bust my own buns on the home front to ensure that the sacrifice of one income is worth it.  That’s not free-loading.  It’s division of labor.

As for the whining part, sure, that exists.  Stay-at-home parents whine about never getting a break.  Working parents whine about having to do it all.  The world could definitely do with a whole lot less whining.

Which brings me to my final point: parents need to make decisions about working outside the home (or not) and refrain from criticizing those who choose otherwise.  I realize that the online comments I refer to in this post don’t represent the opinions of everyone.  Still, enough people lack the empathy to recognize the contributions others make whose situations vary from their own.  Instead, they criticize.  Berate, at times.

I am in awe of the working moms I know.

Every few months, when I have to spend three days straight with Jack for his infusions, I catch a glimpse of the skill it takes to manage a household while spending most of the day away from home.  I drop the kids off at school, go to the medical facility with Jack, chase him around with an IV pole for six hours, and get home right as(sometimes after) my kids start walking in the door from school.  On those days, time management is absolutely essential and I have to be extra careful to ensure that each moment with my kids counts.

Bravo to those who do that day in and day out.

I would hope to receive the same sort of consideration from working parents for the efforts I make as a stay-at-home parent.  A little empathy and support goes a long way.  Yes, even in the comments section.

How to discover the joy of being a stay-at-home mom.

I took Jack to story time at the library for the first time in his life this morning.  Poor youngest child – we were faithful attendees from birth to age five with each of the others.  I decided I had to commit to at least one thing per day that we do “just for him”, and although I consistently read to him and play with him on the floor, I determined that we needed to “get out” more so that his world consists of more than the four walls of our home (and the inside of my car – because, as the youngest of five, you can be sure he spends ample time in his car seat between 3 and 7 p.m.)

There’s a new library that just so happens to be on our end of town – 10 minutes closer than the downtown library we have always frequented, so we hit it up this morning.  Story time was all right, but surprisingly, the best part was after the stories had been read and the developmental toys spread throughout the room for the kids to sample.

I met a sweet Vietnamese lady and her 13-month old daughter who were new to the area and anxious to rub shoulders with others.  She talked incessantly, admitting that she felt isolated as a stay-at-home mother and was itching for opportunities to find satisfaction in that particular role.  She remarked that she couldn’t wait until they started to feel settled in their new situation (husband’s job, neighborhood, etc.) so that she could perhaps go back to work.

When she found out I was the mother of five, and that I had stayed home for over fourteen years, she was incredulous, wondering how I could do it.  I didn’t really have an answer for her.

In some ways I feel like the fact that I enjoy this gig so deeply is a result of dumb luck.  For starters, my mother had modeled it for me – and her performance was admirable.

My husband values my role in the home, (and his) so he makes an effort to be an active participant in family life and show consideration for the fact that I bear the brunt of the child-rearing.

I am a naturally structured person, so I craft routines that provide stability for everyone in the home.

I like being social but I can survive without a whole lot, so isolation is not something with which I struggle.

I belong to a church that values motherhood and provides a support system for those who stay at home.

In my early parenting years, we moved into a community where the majority of residents were in the same stage of life as us, so I had ample opportunity to befriend those around me.

I adore babies/toddlers/preschoolers and have no trouble coming up with ways to enjoy parenting “littles” (it’s the older kids I with whom I struggle).

I am pretty frugal and don’t feel that our lives would be greatly improved if I earned a living.

I’m not anywhere near a perfectionist and rarely beat myself up over the inevitable mishaps of parenting.

And last but certainly not least, I have a deep and abiding commitment to motherhood and a considerable drive perform it to the best of my ability.  I know fundamentally that there is no job in the world that is more important and that keeps me going.

Sometimes I feel like motherhood is my calling in life, as though each of my characteristics was carefully crafted so that I would tackle it head on and find immense satisfaction in it.  Does that mean I don’t have days where I have watched the clock for Tim to come home and provide backup?  No.  Have I never locked myself in a bathroom to give myself a few minutes of solitude?  Of course I have.  Has the pure exhaustion and countless demands of my kids never driven me to throw in the towel and lose my temper with them?  We all know the answer to that one.

Despite the fact that the favorable conditions of my life and innate personality traits support staying at home with my children, there are tweaks that almost anyone can make to find joy and satisfaction in it.  Certainly, there are those who would simply rather work outside the home.  That’s okay.  My train of thought comes from my interaction this morning with a person who had decided it best for her to stay home but who was struggling to determine how to make it work for her.

Here are my top tips for how to find the joy in being a stay-at-home mom:

  1.  Convince yourself that there is no better place for you to be.  Because it’s true!  Study literature that supports this premise, try to surround yourself with people who believe similarly and move forward in that belief.  Laundry and cooking and cleaning and child-rearing can be awfully mundane and thankless but they have to be done.  So do them to the best of your ability with the belief that they matter!  If you don’t believe me, try NOT doing those things for a week and see how depressing your life(and everyone else’s) is.
  2. Learn how to live with less.  If you are struggling to make ends meet, you will inevitably feel the pull of a job outside the home.  Shop at thrift stores, cook your meals from scratch, take advantage of all the freebies around town, try camping instead of more expensive vacation options (I guarantee the kids will like it better, anyway).  Stay within a budget and resist the urge to “keep up with the Joneses”.  When you keep life simple, you find that you don’t need a whole lot to be happy…the end result being that you are much happier!  Funny how that works.
  3. Spend time with other people.  Set up playdates with other parents, go places you would expect others with young children to frequent (library, parks, the zoo, etc.) and reach out to others around you.  Build a support system of friends – you will glean important parenting tips from them in addition to social interaction.
  4. Prioritize your spouse.  Make date night happen regularly so you have an excuse to get out of your sweats and feel like a person again.  The conversation will benefit both of you, your connection will grow, and, perhaps most importantly, you’ll get a much-needed break from your kids.
  5. Give yourself a break.  I mean this in two ways – first, cut yourself some slack and don’t imagine a pinterest-worthy existence for your children.  Decide what is most important, do those things and let everything else be a bonus.  And don’t beat yourself up when you screw up.  That’s what therapy is for.  😉  Secondly, carve out some time for self-care.  It could be a daily workout, curling up with a good book on a regular basis, taking a class, learning something new.  Whatever brings you joy.  Make it happen so that you’re not always running on empty.  Wise is the woman who knows that you cannot draw water from an empty well.  Take time for yourself so that you have more to offer those in your care.

I realize that staying at home with your children is not a one-size-fits-all position.  It demands the very best of us physically and emotionally.  I have been incredibly blessed to have a husband who supports me financially (and otherwise) so that I can do it with relative ease, so that the sacrifice does not seem so great.  As I conversed with my new friend this morning, I was renewed with a commitment to it.  I wanted to urge her with all the energy of my heart to stick with it, because it can be, and has been in my case, the most satisfying job in the world.   Look at this face and tell me it isn’t.